Preparing for life after a long career

My farewell was a typically perfunctory affair for my office, a morning tea, although this was what I had asked for - no fuss. I couldn't bear an awkward lunch.

People tried and I was grateful for the effort but I wanted it to be over quickly. Some nice words were spoken and I gave a short speech. I got a certificate of appreciation from The Secretary "for over 30 years service". There was some envy about leaving work behind but in a nice way. 53 is early to be starting a generous pension, with a tidy sum of cash in hand to start the next chapter,

The truth is, not many, in fact none of the people there knew me. That is how it goes with long service and high staff turnover. They could reel off my CV, which was touted as impressive, but little more. I shall have a lunch with my staff next week and then one with some old union comrades and that will be it.

I found out on the day or the day before from a senior colleague and friend that my name was on a posting list for another senior appointment, presumably before I asked for a VR. She said she had been thinking of asking me to come and work with her but had decided not to when she saw my name on a posting list. She was sure she had seen my name but couldn't recall the details. It was just as well.

I have felt some pangs about that since but I might as well blow up my family if I go away again now. At least I'm going out on top and giving myself every chance to give love and support to my dear ones, who have clearly suffered because of my long absences. Enough is enough is Mrs Horse's view. I tend to agree but need to find a way of living that fits better with their needs, and mine. Another posting would be more of the same and the first further crisis at home, which seems likely, and it could implode. That would be no way to end but far more importantly I don't want anyone to get hurt again because I wasn't around.

After the farewell ceremony I decided I wanted to be with people who really know me and love me, my family. I hopped in the car and drove to Sydney, following Mrs Horse and our youngest who had taken the bus in the morning. I spent Thursday, Friday and most of Saturday there. I felt better having loved ones around me. It is clear to me that my family need me - and I need them - perhaps more to the point. I couldn't bear to be too far away from them again - at least until they are all settled in life, which will take some years.

I was able to attend a birthday dinner for my oldest. That was worth the drive. He turned 23. By 23 I had already started my career. He is far from that, mucked things up initially but getting back on track now with the love and support of his beautiful partner. Times have changed so the benchmark doesn't apply. He is happy and I am proud of him. I dropped off a card to him before we came back saying so.

On Friday I rang my father. They have to decide this week whether to move into a retirement home. Dad is 83 and Mum is 87. He said if they leave it much longer the home won't take them because they would be too frail to start. It didn't sound like they would be moving. It was a reminder that I'm not the only one facing big life changes.

My third foal was much better. It looks like he is on the cusp of getting a job. The second has two jobs and is working far too hard, 15 hours on Friday, but not studying. Our first is doing the same, two jobs and long shifts, also not studying. The last is suspended from school until next term. Everywhere I see need. But can I really help? Or must I help myself first?

It looked like Mrs Horse might be able to get a voluntary redundancy on Wednesday, and we could move almost immediately to Sydney, but this fell through by Thursday evening. I wasn't too disappointed - too much change might be a bad thing. The thought of selling the Canberra stable and moving to Sydney so soon was making my head spin. Everything will work out in time.

A week to go

My farewell from the office is tomorrow - 30 years of service. That is a long time.

I'm getting lots of friendly messages from people, congratulations. People are excited, some envious. It's kind of nice.

Has it been five days?

The blog took a back seat to more drama, last foal got suspended from school for having alcohol in the boarding house. He is in the Canberra stable with us.

Meanwhile separation preparations from employer proceed. There is no turning back now. I'm out 28 June, and probably not a moment too soon. The family needs me.

Calm at last

The last few days have been very hard. I finally got my calm back today. Food seemed to have something to do with it. I hadn't been eating well.

The wisdom of women

I talked to Mrs Horse about a few things. She made me feel better. Where would I be without my woman?

The foal is staying in Sydney

We are heading back to Canberra today - without the troubled one. He is refusing to return with us. We are not pressing him. It would be counter productive. So his brothers and their housemate have to continue putting up with him. Having a deranged person in the house is no fun at all.

A wet long weekend in more ways than one.

Sad Saturday in Sydney

The crisis continues in Sydney. Now the foal's condition is seriously affecting other members of the family. Their studies, their zest for life. Where will it end? He needs help but isn't getting enough. We can't help him and he can't help himself.

Everyone gets drawn into his chaos. So it goes with mental illness.

The Foal stumbles

Another crisis with the troubled foal tonight.

Long talks on the phone with various people.

Troubled minds, much more difficult than broken legs.

Crisis averted but we'll be in Sydney tomorrow to help in person.

Probably need to bring him back with us to the Canberra stable again. If he will come.

X Trail

Sold the Nissan X Trail yesterday. Don't buy an X Trail.

What else did I do? Oh yeah - saw another financial adviser. Remind me of X Trails.

Financial advisers

One of the things you need to do when you are retiring is see financial advisers. I have seen several over the past few weeks. It hasn't been a bad experience, although there always seems to be another detail that comes out with every new discussion. They remind me of bookmakers adjusting their odds whenever a likely punter walks by.

Planning Day

That last post was way too long but fun.

We had a planning day at work today. No plan emerged. My boss said she had been to three of them and she discerned no progress. At least the people are nice - and expert at what they do - I will miss them.

We went to a hotel and all the day basically confirmed, at least for me, is the that the world is becoming more chaotic and dangerous if that's possible. There was also an unstated consensus that government is not coping on too many levels to mention. There were no obvious solutions.

One point to emerge unchallenged was that the next generation is likely to be the first in Australia to be poorer than the current.

I think we may have had way too many offspring. Although it does increase the chances that one might emerge to carry the others. This was the attitude of the feudal peasant and urban poor before the welfare state, which is being rapidly dismantled or made ever more inaccessible.

My main comfort is that most predictions about the future are wrong, especially the most confident ones.

Back to work (sort of)

Did I mention I'm leaving my job after 30 years? Only three more Mondays and I should be out. It's time to go. I'll take my pension and do other stuff before it's too late.

Work was something that I did today as if it would go on for another 30 years but already people are talking about a future that I won't be part of, even by next month.

I had a good day, even lunched with friends at the Labor Club. One of whom, let's call him Franko -  a solid party comrade - is also taking a package. As we walked back to the office, we talked, influenced by the house red, about leaving inappropriate out of office messages on our phones and computers when we go, like "By the way, you the know the rumour that this organisation is elitist and privately despises you? It's quite true. But please leave a message if you must...If you are from Austrade or the Industry Department though, please hang up now", or, "Don't even think about leaving a message, I don't want to talk to you anyway - never have." Or more subtlely, "please do leave a message, a quite detailed one if you wish, I'll get back to you shortly" - in the last case with possibly an ever so feint snigger at the end, or "yeah right", soto voce after a slight pause.

For the computer perhaps "You again? That's it, I'm resigning." or "I'm out of the office having fun, possibly for quite a long time. I may get back to you, I may not, bite me." Or "I'm on another long lunch, wouldn't your time have been better spent that way rather than composing your latest dreary work message? No wonder we never invite you." 30 years of professional politeness does that to you.

We agreed my friend might be the subject to further disciplinary action if he did something like that because he isn't exactly the management's favourite person just at the moment, bless him. I am a union delegate so pretty much untouchable (in more ways than one these days). He has just escaped a nasty scrape with a warning. But decided to toss it in anyway - he has other things to do.

How was he to know it was a book launch and the book being launched wasn't a free copy? Who reads invitations anyway? They should have had a sign saying "please don't take one." And who doesn't shove a book down the back of their trousers and try to leave immediately when their carry bag is full? Trump had just been elected. Franko was upset - tired and emotional. And yes, he was wearing his official security pass on a union lanyon festooned with anti-Trump buttons. An oversight and poor fashion sense at worst.

I ventured even if he had left the department, the authorities would probably still have to publicly burn him in effigy as a warning to others, like they did in the Inquisition when they couldn't find the condemned. especially after he so recently skilfully navigated a conduct and ethics investigation into the alleged minor infraction outlined above.

They might for example put out a stern note on telephone and computer etiquette and professional standards - and we'd know who triggered that, wouldn't we, hmmm? Franko, already a minor legend of non-conformity, plans to be in Geneva by July on a fellowship and gone for good. I promised to send him copies of any official correspondence from the last Inquiry - or the next  through other comrades who are hanging on - kindling for his fire-pit on Lake Geneva perhaps.

Back in the office most don't know I'm leaving for sure, and I haven't pulled the trigger on the offer yet, but clues abound and are starting to add up, making my meeting with staff this afternoon a little strained for the first time. One very leading question from a staff member hung heavy in the air - about future directions. I said I didn't expect any changes this month but there could be some next.

Tuesday there will be a big planning meeting about a future that is theirs, not mine. I feel some pangs, but not too many. It should be fun if my project team gets disbanded in the next business plan, to be unveiled at the planning day. I shall have to practice shrugs and worried or perplexed looks - better yet an enigmatic insouciant smile. It all must be a typo.

As long as you keep the oats up to an old warhorse like me, he'll be as right as rain. After so many campaigns, put me out to pasture I say, not for the first time. I probably still have some campaigns left in me, but not with this outfit.

comments now enabled (I think)

Thanks for pointing that out fin.

Joy to hear from you and will reply once I've caught up with Mrs Horse after her trip.

She can be elusive. She sends you love. Where is mine I asked plaintively? She snorted ominously and promptly went to bed with a book - her version of face cream...

I'm about as tech savy as a finger painter so the reply function may yet not work. I won't know till I get one.

Sunday on my mind

My lame foal went back to Sydney today. He had a good stay in Canberra. He rested and maybe because I didn't hassle or coach him, he helped around the house and we did stuff together.

At one point I told him he had a sweet nature. He rolled his eyes and said I was being weird. What came out over the weekend was his old self. That's what I meant. It was good to see, to have him back for a while. I'd give anything to have him back all the time.

Like Mrs Horse, he grounds my manic world with his slightly off balance - and quite inappropriate in this venal day and age - gentle spirit. But I ask you, for all your grasping and saving, just how many cheese and tomato sandwiches can anyone eat in a lifetime? If you have one, you have the world. My third foal tuned in on that young. Now, after some recent disappointments and shocks, most of the time he just sits around glued to a screen. He has always seen things differently and now he is suffering for it.

It is his sweet self that others take advantage of, see as weakness, disrespect. I don't. Thank God for the gentle souls as Spike Milligan once wrote. Doesn't the world need them now? No wonder he is disturbed, sometimes despairing at the dawn of adulthood, a bit like Spike perhaps.

But one thing he mentioned in passing was when he has foals of his own. He says he will do a better job than poor old Horsie. It was a relief to know he sees a future for himself beyond his current funk and gloom. He is only 18.

Although I don't want to make him out to be some sort of Creeping Jesus (I love that term). I am absolutely certain he will never attract disciples. And he is only 18 and like most 18 year olds, has all the answers and none. Most of his concerns are nonsense and trivial to people with real problems and struggles. Yet real enough to him for now.

So many young people are like him today for some reason we haven't yet grasped. But on the other hand, who can blame them? So perhaps we do know why. We just can't name it out loud.

I was quite upset to see him go when I put him on the bus, but I held it in. He gave me a big hug at the bus, a rare treat because the last time he said it might be years before I got another. The last one was in happier times, not so long ago, when The Sharks won the Grand Final. We were there together to see it. He gave me a crushing hug when they won, and held me longer than rugby wins allow. Fathers live for those moments. This old stallion anyway, those spontaneous moments of pure love and sincerity.

Speaking of which, Mrs Horse came back from Sydney shortly after the troubled foal left. I was still upset about that. We went for a long walk. She walked, I talked and talked. Women can be so sensible. I missed her. Everything went back into perspective with a wise word here and there. Tonight the stable will be warm again.

Mundane Saturday

A beautiful sunny day in Canberra. My ill son got up at about 10am, which for him was very good.

Someone is coming to have a look at a car we are selling today. I just sold another car to my son but he didn't transfer the rego before it expired on Friday. Can you rely on family? Never do business with them they say. I gave him a substantial discount on the car, half price.

Mrs Horse should return today from Sydney. Something to look forward to. It was very cold in the stable last night without her.

A ray breaks through

My third son has been having adjustment problems since leaving boarding school last year. This afternoon I asked him to stay a bit longer. He didn't want to come to Canberra. He was adamant he had to go back to Sydney on Saturday. This evening he said he'd stay till Sunday. Tonight he is making chicken curry. Small progress matters.

Cold Sunshine

The sun slithers up after a cold night in Canberra. Friday but a good day to stay in bed and sleep in a little. I have leave.

Frost starting to burn off. Get a hot bath going and the bones will be warmed. By mid morning the temperature will rise and it will be a glorious day.

Sydney is becoming our home, for one thing it is warmer. For another all our four sons live there. I want to be with them every day.

Why are humans so complicated

After a few days in Sydney it was time to head back to our other stable in Canberra. I had one of my sons with me. He is struggling at the moment. We had a good talk in the car. He needs to feel safe, he does with me.

That is what he said, at the moment anyway. It is so easy to make mistakes with people. Especially when they are fragile. Our parting from other family members in Sydney was fraught.

Canberra is cold this time of year, ten degrees lower than Sydney. We both need our horsie blankets until the house warms up. Our hearts are warm.

Walk the Horse

My filly has health problems. So she needs to walk every day. I go with her. Today we are walking the inner West of Sydney from our stable at Stanmore. We go up Enmore Road and then King Street Newtown. Across Missenden Road past the RPA hospital, I usually smoke at this point, and then down Salisbury Road back to Stanmore.

If we are feeling enthusiastic, or rather if she is, we continue down to Crystal Street to Addison Road Marrickville and then back up to Enmore Road. Sometimes we stop at the Marrickville Metro Mall, Mrs Horse's favourite local shopping spot. She shops for food every day.

Then we go home and I collapse from exhaustion. It's about 10 kilometres, quite a canter for a 2500 thousand year old horse. Wouldn't it be easier just to be overweight and unwell I sometimes think?

I must go put my saddle on.

The long stagger home

The walk today was short. It started well with coffee from Le Bake in Enmore Road from our friend Julie and ended badly with Mrs Horse buying groceries at the Metro, which we had to lug home on foot. I have fallen into this trap too many times to mention. Bring the car darling...

It was the frozen chicken which put us over the top. Have you ever carried a frozen chicken over your shoulder in a plastic bag full of K Mart purchases? My new woolly cap will be forever chicken scented and make me hungry.